“All the a–holes in my room, they’re all up for contract.” —Paul Maurice

The head coach of the Florida Panthers has a long list of jerks in his dressing room, and he’d like you to publicize it.

At the top of that list is Sam Reinhart, he of 57 regular-season goals, eight more in the playoffs (so far), and some Brink’s truck raise he hasn’t agreed to yet. Big attitude problems.

Then there are culture-setting, role-playing forwards Nick Cousins, Ryan Lomberg, Kevin Stenlund, and Steven Lorentz. All nitwits who, thankfully, are scheduled to come off the club’s payroll come Canada Day.

Brandon Montour, one of those gritty, right-shot defencemen who owns franchise scoring records? Highly toxic.

Oliver Ekman-Larsson held the fort as the Panthers battled early-season injuries and looks rejuvenated by his first legitimate title shot. Catch is, he’s a tad socially awkward. Don’t try to sign him either.

Anthony Stolarz, one of the NHL’s most reliable backup goalies, coming off a career-best 16-7-2 record and wielding a .925 save percentage? Probably a close talker with bad breath.

Pending RFA centre Anton Lundell might be modelling his defensive game after multi-Selke winner Aleksander Barkov, but Maurice would have you believe he’s standoffish with teammates and undeserving of a cap-crushing long-term deal. You wouldn’t want him.

Sure, deadline rental Vladimir Tarasenko can snipe a puck and comes with Stanley Cup experience. And veteran Kyle Okposo is pouring his heart into every savoured shift. Secret is, they’re also something less than fun at parties.

In fact, a whopping 12 of the 22 Panthers who have suited up during this Eastern Conference Final — which could wrap as early as Saturday in Sunrise — are unlikable numskulls and goofballs on expiring deals.

Not only should rival executives steer clear, but come to think of it, these crazy Cats are probably unworthy of pay bumps, even if they do fluke their way to a Stanley Cup.

“I got a bunch of these guys. I got a list for you people,” Maurice says. “All the assh—- in my room, they’re all under contract.”

The coach’s tongue, of course, is jammed firmly in cheek.

All the Panthers do is battle for one another for 60-plus minutes on the ice, then gab about how tight-knit and unified they are off it.

But with Lord Stanley’s mug being awarded as late as June 24 and so many key contracts expiring one week later, it’s inevitable the band won’t look the same come training camp.

“I don’t use it. I’m aware of it,” says Maurice, who hasn’t resorted to The Last Dance speech and only occasionally brings up contract status with his charges. “Not in the playoffs but more in the regular season. And only if I see a player struggling to understand the weight, maybe, that he’s feeling.

“The age of these players, a lot of them are newly married. Sometimes they just had kids. There’s a big group of players in the National Hockey League that are absolutely not worried about whether they have a job the next year. They’re going to get a job, they’re probably going to get paid, so there’s not that same fear. We’ve got a really close-knit group, so all the guys want to stay. So, that’s a driver.

“It’s the guys that are in and out of your lineup that have to fight kind of to stay in the National Hockey League, you got to be more aware of that. So, the guy goes a couple weeks, he hasn’t scored. Will I shave his minutes? Will I pop him out of my lineup? I’m sure I connect with those guys. So at least they don’t feel alone in this, right? That the team doesn’t care enough. They feel that they’re still valued and connected and there’s a place for them.”

For the present — which is where all contract-eligible Panthers swear they live — there is a place for all. Maurice and his staff do a swell job of injecting fresh legs into the lineup, outlining specific roles for individuals, and cultivating group buy-in.

Okposo, 36, is wise enough to understand he’s here for a good time, probably not a long time. He knows “how fleeting it can be,” so he’s zoned in on the task at hand.

“You don’t have all the time in the world,” Okposo reminds. “It’s just been a fun ride, and I’m soaking it in.”

If we peer ahead, just one month, to a future where Reinhart and Montour connect on their home-run, life-changing deals; where Lundell forces GM Bill Zito to reward him for overachieving on his three-year bridge; and where underpaid core pieces Sam Bennett and Carter Verhaeghe become eligible for hard-earned extensions at the same time as cornerstone top-pair defenceman Aaron Ekblad, well, something’s gotta give.

Even smart executives in tax-free states will run out of budget.

“After the season, we’ll look back at it. We have made a lot of progress, and we have a lot of work still to do,” Zito told the Miami Herald before this semifinal series kicked off.

“We’re gonna do everything we can to keep the best team and best players.”

To that end, the GM of the Year finalist did himself a few favours in advance.

Zito made the difficult decision of cutting bait with high-end talents like MacKenzie Weegar and Jonathan Huberdeau before they secured the bag in Calgary. He tucked team heartbeat Matthew Tkachuk’s cap hit ($9.5 million) under Barkov’s ($10 million). And, most impressively, he snatched his best defenceman, Gustav Forsling, off waivers, then locked him up past the CapFriendly spreadsheet for a silly-good bargain $5.75 million annually.

Interesting that Forsling leaped ahead of Montour this season on Zito’s signing priority list. Perhaps because Montour began the season injured. More likely because his current cap hit of $3.5 million should double soon, and we may be watching his final shifts for Florida.

Good news for the player: He falls into the category of player Maurice mentions who is not worried about employment.

“It’s fine. I think that’s gonna come when it comes. I’ve played enough in this league to know the contract is going to be there, no matter what,” Montour says. “We’re focused on the big trophy at the end. That’s the main thing. I haven’t put too much thought into it, to be honest, and all sides communicated really well all season.

“Now we’re at a point where we’re close to the end here and focused on that. The rest takes care of itself in the summer.”

Win or lose, this summer Zito will find himself in the unenviable but predictable spot of rewarding some and letting others fetch their paydays elsewhere.

Of tearing at the fabric of one tight hockey team, now bonding together for what will be the last ride for some of these so-called “assh—-.”

“You see it the smallest daily interactions: The number of players at the table when you first walk into a meal, the first table gets filled before they spread up to five other tables on the next table, because they all like being around each other,” Maurice says.

“It’s the conversations. It’s how many guys stay on the ice after practice, what it looks like in a way. So, there’s that connection. The advantage is that they want to stay, that they want this to continue. It’s like a great party — nobody wants to leave. So, we’ve got a good bunch of guys; they all feel like they’re a part of it. This is such an exciting time of year. But everybody, as close friends, they want this to continue.”